Musical Chairs: A Chair for Influence

The way we view our father shapes the entirety of our lives. It is easy enough to make a judgement on the character strengths and weaknesses of those around us should we have the mind to be at least minimally attentive to others. Despite our ability as adults and conscious individuals to make decisions on how we act and how we are perceived, the way we treat ourselves and others is often rhythmic. If we conduct personal experiments on our own mannerisms, thought patterns, and interactive patterns, we will undoubtedly find that many of them can be directly correlated to our parents. This is not some abstract and revelatory phenomena, but it is deeply weighted nevertheless. How parents treat their children, the value they place on their roles within their lives, and the degree of conscientiousness with which they approach their roles in their children’s lives not only effects themselves and their children, but also every single person they interact with throughout their life. How you act will most certainly effect how they treat their kids, and their kids after them. Generation upon generation has the potential to project aspects of your personality exponentially through time. Therefore, there are few responsibility’s greater than that of a parent. 

So, what is the role of a father? It seems these days that our ‘roles’ as individuals are under attack. It may be more modern and appealing to act as if all the ‘roles’ that were once delegated to us by our birthplace, our gender, or our living circumstances are only societal constructs, but in observance of the natural world this claim can be easily debunked. The role of every species on the planet is hyper impactful to each respective occupied ecosystem. So much so that if a single organism were to be extirpated, the identity of an entire living space can be altered.

In our ecosystem, the ‘nuclear family’ comes to mind when many of us imagine a good and functional living space. I have no interest in the variety of opinions that may arise if I were to exemplify the role of each character within the ‘nuclear family,’ but I do think each character has an important role. Even greater, I believe their role is often not a matter of choice, instead it is inherited naturally by the above stated conditions (birthplace, gender, living circumstances, etc.). Each role is integral to the functionality of the home and the eventual budding of the children within the home. A good husband and father, in my opinion, should carry the following responsibilities:

To his wife—He would be a leader, not a dictator. He would be kind, gentle, vulnerable, and honest. He would be attentive, respectful, and present. He would be strong, watchful, and protective. He would not choose friends, sports, or even work over his wife. He would always have an ear to listen and would not relinquish that responsibility to in-laws, friends, or predatory men. He would always be selfless, chivalrous, virtuous, and always at least attempt romance. He would take his role as man of the household seriously and would hold an expectation of himself and of his wife to continually push one another to be flawless, despite a guaranteed failure at such a task. There would be no woman in the world more important to he than her. Even as they grew old, less attractive, and every story had been told and heard to an infinite extent, he would be interested in all the details of who she was and who he transformed into through her. 

It is easy enough to break down how a couple should coexist by simplifying it to “loyalty and communication,” but a man can be loyal to his wife despite his lust of another. He can communicate his disgust with her and eventually they can communicate a divorce. Choosing to be a husband is a commitment for your life. If you do not value that commitment, you should save your knee, skip over the fancy diamonds, and keep hunting at the club. There are women out there who might enjoy your lack of discipline and dependability. If you are not yet a man, do not trick a woman into believing that you are.

It is important to note what a good husband is before attempting to explain what a good father must also be, because they go hand-in-hand. The way a man treats the mother of his children will eventually be mimicked by his son’s and daughters. It is also important because if the husband plays his role adequately, one of the two stabilizing pillars of the household is in place. To commit to marriage, sex, and parenthood is a demanding commitment that requires both parents carrying their load. If both pillars are in place, there is still no guarantee that a child will excel in society. Since this is the case, it takes both parents to consistently evaluate their strengths and weaknesses while working together to uphold the home. Only this will give your child the best possibility of success. No amount of love, coddling, spoiling, punishment, or freedom will compensate for attentiveness, discipline, and leadership in your child’s life. Likewise, a good husband provides everything necessary for a wife to be equally good. If she is not, then at least he will have held his end of the bargain. If she carries the necessary traits of a good wife and he does not match her commitment, the imbalance is a product of his error.

To his children— He would be attentive and present. He would be knowledgeable and therefore wise. He would not rely on aggressiveness and fear to earn respect, but instead on patience, integrity, and truth. He would do as he says and direct his children to do the same. He would direct his sons to treat women with respect and stand up for them. He would direct his daughters to not rely on men for happiness or confidence. He would never outsource his protective responsibilities and would always be engaged in the development of his children’s intellect and talent. He would always encourage his kids to fulfill their potential but never encourage their affliction. He would be forthright about his mistakes, ask for forgiveness when needed, and most importantly learn from them. 

While it may be easy to say a father should ‘be there’ for his children, it is important to know the difference between watching them spiral out of control and being there to wipe their tears, and being there to recognize their missteps and find the best way to help them navigate challenging terrains. While it may seem obvious that he must ‘protect’ his children, its invaluable to recognize that protecting them from the reality of the world is not actually protecting them. In reality, what they don’t know will hurt them. He must be honest and he must not be silent in their turmoil.

I do not spend time attempting to describe how he will achieve each of these traits, because every man is different, and every child is different. How a father might react to one child over another may differ depending on the child’s personality and the father’s capability of having an impact on the child’s behavior. While it may not be easy to understand how to react to your children’s inevitable struggles, it is far easier when he carries the traits detailed above.

It is not to say women and mothers are incapable of offering these traits. We often find that people with particularly strong characteristics may fill the role of the opposite sex better than the average. A mother may very well carry many or all of these traits to an extent, but biologically speaking she may be more well-versed in nurturing and attending to her children’s personalities and feelings more effectively than that of a father. A mother has carried her children in her womb for nine months. Her connection with them and understanding of their individuality has the capability of being much deeper than that of the father, who’s duty in the pregnancy is along the lines of stability for the mother. 

I am not a father. I am not a husband. I am not a lot of things at this point in my life, but some day, god willing, I will be. With that said, when I see things like men mistreating women, children not thinking critically, teenagers feeling unimportant and disassociated with those around them, I see a manifestation of poor parenting. I recognize this because I have mistreated women (including my mother), I have been misled, and I have felt unimportant and disassociated. It is not to say that my father is responsible for my shortcomings, but rather that I recognize what roles could have been played in my life as a child that could potentially have deterred those faults. Additionally, I see these faults in young men surrounding me and know that many of them could be corrected by having a sufficient and consistent leader in their life. 

This is a pivotal time for mankind. Valuable truths have blossomed within modern Western culture, and equally many valuable truths have been disavowed and are at risk of extirpation. For the health and prosperity of the human ecosystem, the ‘role’ of the father and the man must not be underestimated, devalued, or destroyed. It is too important. It is too prevalent. From Kim Kardashian to mass shootings, voids in leadership, attentiveness, authenticity, and virtue are quickly filled with the opposite. Like a game of characteristic musical chairs, the exemplifications of how to act, how to be, and who to be are floating around, waiting for a chance to land in the minds of our future generations. The characteristics you value now may grow to have an impact long after your death. When your children look to you, who and what will they emulate? When the music stops, what character roles will you fill?